


If They'd Say It

by raven_aorla



Category: Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Gen, Humor, M/M, References to Drugs, Seth's Girlfriend is Fictional, Stefon is Real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 12:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16516376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: While up all night writing with his coworkers, Andy can't help but speculate about how far Seth and Stefon have actually gotten.





	If They'd Say It

**Author's Note:**

> \- Originally written in response to butterscotch(finedae)'s challenge to combine the tropes "Did They or Didn't They?" and "Interrupted Declaration of Love". 
> 
> \- Unlike in my "anchor and kaleidoscope" series, the girlfriend Seth refers to during Stefon's appearances is made-up person to set up jokes, and everyone knows this. This Seth has had girlfriends in the past, but does not have one at the time of the story.
> 
> \- I've tried to be semi-realistic about these all-nighters they do irl. John Mulaney either doesn't exist in this universe due to paradox, or maybe he doesn't work here. I don't know the other SNL writers of the time who never joined the regular cast. However, both Colin and Jason were originally hired to be just writers, and pretty much all SNL cast members help write.

The first cast set the pattern that all the writers and most of the cast wrote from Tuesday evening until Wednesday dawn, and apparently Belushi/Radner/Hartman/Farley etc. were going to haunt the new kids if they ever did otherwise. 

There was something timeless about 1:38 A.M. on Wednesday on the 17th floor of 30 Rock. Something simultaneously desperate and off-kilter but also exhilarating and full of camaraderie. Something otherworldly. Maybe even uncanny. You got the sense that if you broke away from the crowd as they drank coffee and tore their hair out over battered laptops, you might turn a corner and find another crowd, this one wearing awful ‘70’s fashion and snorting mounds of cocaine. While banging on typewriters in multiple senses of the word. Normal rules didn’t apply at the demented workaholics’ slumber-without-the-slumber party. 

This was Andy Samberg’s excuse for Asking the Question during a serious discussion about whether “Bad Driver’s Olympics” was a viable sketch concept, and if so, what sorts of crappy driving should get awards. Akiva and Jorma were doing fine on this week’s digital short for now. Knowing this, Colin, Fred, Jason, and Nasim had grabbed Andy from the Lonely Island’s Lonely Office and pulled him into their brainstorming session.

Andy sipped his beer. He was pacing himself, of course. The idea of Lorne Michaels catching him genuinely smashed was like imagining his high school principal catching him naked and smeared with peanut butter. “Soooooo...do you guys think it’s all part of the act, or have Seth and Stefon really done it?”

“Done what?” Colin asked. Then he looked up from his laptop and facepalmed. “Oh. Done _it_.”

Jason waggled his takeout chopsticks at Andy and put on his Dad Voice. “Seth’s sexuality is his own business.”

“It’s also not as straightforward as you might think,” Fred said, apparently not caring that this would raise the question of how he sounded so sure. Andy knew there was no way Fred would share something Seth would freak out about him telling people, but was he sharing something he literally knew or was this him guessing?

Deciding to steer clear of that can of worms, Andy continued, “I mean I know they really have gone to clubs together. And Stefon couldn’t be more into Seth without cutting him open and crawling inside him for warmth while making those tauntaun noises he’s really good at.”

“Lovely,” Jason said, deadpan. 

“I think they have, or will,” Nasim said. “Because when I play Arianna Huffington, it’s part of the act for me to flirt with him too, but Seth doesn’t react the same way, even when the dialogue isn’t that different, basically.”

“It’s not our business, and we still have work to do,” Colin said weakly. He was probably starting to crash from the 5-hour energy Andy saw him gulp down earlier. 

Jason patted Colin’s shoulder. “There, there. For what it’s worth, before we move on and actually do what we came for so we can go home, I think they’re just good friends. Seth is a chill guy. He isn’t threatened by how handsy Stefon is.”

“They’re so cute together,” Nasim sighed dreamily.

“I think it’s still at the tension stage.” Fred said. “This one time, my band got invited to perform at this one quiet little gay bar in Portland -”

“Anyone wanna bet?” Andy suggested, partly because that sounded fun and partly because he couldn’t handle hearing another Portland story right now.

“Really?!” Colin sounded just like a Weekend Update anchor for a second there. 

Then Seth actually walked in, Starbucks in one hand and holding his phone to his ear with the other. “...still don’t know whose dentures those are or why they’re covered in sequins...could you maybe check….I’m almost out of battery, but I - dammit!”

“You okay, man?” Andy asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Got cut off. Does anyone have a phone charger handy?” Seth held up his phone. 

“Go check with Vanessa or Kenan, maybe,” Nasim said.

Seth thanked her and left.

“Anything that ends with having a stranger’s sequined dentures has to involve Stefon,” Andy said. But Colin really was starting to look like an campaign poster against child labor - even if the children were unusually buff - so he shut up about it for now.

Not long after that, though, they all heard Stefon’s voice call out, “Seth Meyers, you are the most absolutely amazing wholesome hottie that ever walked the Earth and I seriously l…” Then he opened the door to peek inside. “Never mind!”

They worked for a bit longer, then Andy needed a toilet break. As he often did, he jokingly asked all the other guys if they would join him. None of them agreed to. 

It wasn’t Andy’s fault that Seth’s office happened to be on the way. It wasn’t Andy’s fault that it was a warm night and the air conditioning had been on the fritz lately, so Seth had left the door open slightly. 

When he stood at the correct angle, Andy could see a sliver of the sight of Stefon perched on Seth’s desk like a flirty secretary. Seth had stopped writing and was looking up at him like he was made of puppies, mint condition limited edition comic books, unexpected free city parking, and blueberry pie with the perfect ratio of filling to crust. He was saying, “...had a really great time, and I realized that I always have a really great time with you, Stefon.”

Stefon grinned and poked Seth’s cheek. “Me too, Seth Meyers, even when we go somewhere boring and normal.”

Seth’s dimples joined the party in full force. “So I was thinking, I mean, I don’t want to jump the gun too much, but you’re always the one saying nice things and I don’t want you to think I don’t feel...I like you for you, I hope you know that, but I also think I need to say that I’m pretty sure I…”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait.” Stefon hopped down and rushed to close the door. “Andy Samberg, go away. I’m sure your Isolated Peninsula needs you.”

“I guess I deserved that,” Andy muttered.


End file.
